


A War Hero

by jupiter_james



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:51:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Believing that they would never survive the fight against Saren, Kaidan Alenko propositioned Commander Shepard before the final battle as a last request. And after their survival, Shepard's death, and the commander's dealings with Cerberus, Kaidan never grew to trust the man again; refusing to rejoin the <i>Normandy's</i> crew. Now that the war is over, Kaidan has been put in charge of Shepard's recovery - a request from the man himself, and is forced to confront what was, and what could have been, three years ago.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>With art by the INCREDIBLE <a href="http://maxxiedemon.tumblr.com/">Maxxiedemon</a></b></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Normandy

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Mass Effect Big Bang contribution. It was such a pleasure working with Maxxiedemon on this. Her art was just gorgeous and really captured the scene she drew for so well. I'm so impressed and thankful she was my partner!

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/jupiter143/11112014795/)

"...Alenko! Major Alenko, can you hear me?"

"He's crashing! Call Chakwas!"

"Joker, get us out of here!"

...

"How is he?"

"Critical, but stable. I think he'll make..."

...

"No sign of the Commander..."

...

"He'll wake up soon. His injuries have largely healed..."

"That's a relief. Thank you, Doctor..."

...

"Initial planet scans indicate a breathable atmosphere and non-hostile life forms. There may be usable resources... Major Alenko, you appear to be distracted."

Kaidan blinked. EDI's face came into focus slowly. "Sorry," he said, his voice rough from weeks of disuse. "I'm still a little... never mind. Have you found anything that can help get us out of here?"

"Yes," she replied with her usual confidence. "There are small deposits of Element Zero here to the north." She tapped the single functioning keyboard left in the war room, bringing up a hologram of the planet they had crash landed on. The image zoomed to the crash site with a nav point not far from their current location. "I have also discovered water and potentially edible flora." Another two nav points blinked to the east and west. One for food and one for water. "I suggest we gather samples for testing."

Kaidan leaned heavily on the room's table and bent his head down, weary beyond belief. "I agree. Our food stores are getting lower than I'd like. How're the repairs to the plumbing shaping up?"

EDI paused for a moment. "Currently the reclamation and recycling systems are repaired, however my calculations indicate that they cannot be run without sacrificing some critical systems at our current power levels."

Kaidan ground his teeth. "Fine. Hopefully the water you found is usable, then. Tell Vega and Liara to suit up. We'll go test the water. You and Dr. Chakwas can deal with the plants. And have a mining team ready to move when I get back. The sooner we've got our eezo, the sooner we're out of here."

"Yes, Major." 

Kaidan pushed himself up from his slouch, swayed a bit, then stood tall. He absently touched the jagged, raw wound running from his temple down past his shoulder. The skin pulled against the sutures as he winced, sending a needle of pain through his skull. If only they had the power to use the dermal regenerator. If allowed to completely heal naturally, no amount of modern medical technology would be able to erase the scar. He dialed up a dose of medi-gel into his omni-tool while making his way to the hanger bay. The soothing analgesic pulsed though his veins, numbing the pain as it went.

In the hanger, he approached his locker and flipped up the cover to the security pad. He keyed the code and the door opened with a loud, metallic clack. He hadn't seen his armor since he'd taken that hit from the reaper beam back in London. Unsteady hands reached out slowly to touch his Spectre armor. He ran the tips of his fingers down the chest plate. The whole set was ruined; pockmarked with shrapnel and splattered with dried mud and dark blood. His blood and some of Vega's. Part of him still wished he hadn't led his biotics squad to chase directly behind Shepard's team at the final run. What had he been thinking? Why had he been so determined to stand at the front instead of defending the line in those final hours? He blinked once. Twice. Slammed the locker door home.

"Oh, hey, Major. Saw your armor? Crazy, right?" Vega's voice boomed from behind him.

He turned. Ran both hands through his hair to bleed off his frustration in a civilized manner. Wiped his sweaty palms on his pants then massaged the thick knot of muscle in his thigh shooting minor pain to his hip. "Yeah. Guess it's pretty useless now." 

"No worries," Vega answered, jimmying open the busted locker beside Kaidan's. "The Commander has a spare set of Alliance-issue heavy armor in here. Don't even think he ever wore it. N7 stuff was way better, yeah?"

"Yeah," Kaidan echoed faintly, side-stepping over to Shepard's locker. He froze in front of the door, staring at the unused armor suspended neatly on hooks, looking almost as proud as the man himself. The name 'Shepard' painted boldly on the gauntlets.

_Don't think, Alenko. There's no reason to dwell. Just get the job done._ Seeing just a piece of Shepard - even something he'd never used or worn - brought Kaidan back to that night before Ilos more than three years ago. His certainty that they were going to die. His longing for something to take with him. Shepard's hands on his body, answering willingly to a soldier's last request. Followed by the return to normalcy that hadn't really been normal anymore. Everything just a pinch out of focus; out of alignment and only noticeable if he squinted. 

He'd done the right thing when he'd refused to rejoin the _Normandy_ after Shepard's return from the dead. There'd been too much hope in Shepard's eyes. Too much trust. He'd believed Kaidan's poker face. Believed that the one night stand was gone and forgotten. But it wasn't. It might never be. Not when Commander John Shepard had kissed him so carefully and become so hard in Kaidan's hands. Breaking the regs had almost not been worth it, though it made him slightly disgusted with himself to admit "almost not worth it" was the same as "totally worth it" in the back of his mind.

Kaidan yanked the gauntlets from their rack. "Hope this fits," he mumbled.

Vega shrugged, oblivious to his CO's dark mood. "Should. You're about the same size, right?" He eyed Kaidan up and down. "You _look_ about the same."

A dry chuckled that sounded like a grunt of discomfort forced itself from Kaidan's mouth. "Everyone looks small compared to you, Lieutenant."

"That's the burden of greatness." Small hisses issued from James's armor as it locked to his bulk and pressurized rapidly, programmed perfectly to his body. 

Kaidan fastened his chest and back plate against stiff, protesting weave. Shepard had probably never even tried the armor on. The suit hissed exactly like Vega's then began pressurizing slowly, adjusting to his shape as the sensors measured and recorded his body's dimensions. Kaidan felt his shoulders bow. It had been a month since he'd worn armor and his body was still weak in its recovery. He clenched his jaw and breathed carefully as the pressure built on his healing ribs. He staggered to the benches next to the Kodiak and sat down hard to fasten the rest of his armor. Shortly he heard the scrape of boots beside him. Liara knelt in front of him and attached his leg guards for him without comment. Kaidan almost protested her help, but swallowed his pride at the last second. Not having to bend over with the extra weight probably saved him a load of trouble.

"Kaidan," her soft voice said cautiously, "you should be resting. There are plenty of other people here more than willing to help."

He searched her eyes, almost angry at her concern, then settled for squeezing her hand. "I have to get off this ship, even for just a little while," he answered. "A walk won't kill me. Besides, I'm the CO now. It's time I started acting like it."

She nodded and stood, trusting him. She joined James at the weapons bench to collect her sidearm. Kaidan rolled his shoulders, settling the plates, then heaved himself to his feet. The armor might as well have weighed a ton. Sweat beaded on his forehead and ran down the dip of his spine. He flinched as the armor's internal sensors registered the perspiration and automatically compensated by switching on the cooling unit. Goose bumps rose on his skin then slowly faded as the unit found the right temperature. His first steps towards the open hanger bay doors were stilted, unnatural. He dragged his feet as his legs protested. He checked the comm in his ear, deciding against the helmet. Hopefully EDI was right about there not being any hostile life on the planet. Or poison in the air.

James came up beside him and handed him an assault rifle. The trio then exited the _Normandy_ into a humid, but comfortable atmosphere. Liara opened her omni-tool, pointing them towards their destination. At least the ground was level. They trekked through the brush and dirt until the crystalline lake shimmered into view down a gentle incline.

"Man, with all this rationing we have to do, I just wanna drink that whole damn lake right now," James commented wistfully.

"Same here," Liara echoed as both she and Kaidan bent down to sample the water. Liara took preliminary scans with her omni-tool while Kaidan dipped test tubes under the glassy surface to take back to the _Normandy_ for further study.

"So far, it looks good," Liara said. "No pollutants, toxins or poisonous marine life."

Kaidan sat back on his heels, admiring the view. "For such a well-developed planet you'd think we would have seen larger animals. More predators."

"Don't jinx it, ey Azul?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Didn't realize you were so superstitious, Lieutenant."

"Like you wouldn't _believe_ ," James muttered.

Liara gestured towards the rainforest valley past the plateau they'd landed on. "It's more likely there are predators down there. Up here there are plenty of minerals and some water, but not much food. Pretty barren compared to what's below us."

"You're probably right," Kaidan agreed. "And that's why our asses are staying up here as much as possible."

"No argument there, sir," Vega said, bouncing from one foot to the other and constantly scanning the area. Always moving. Always ready for anything.

Liara stood and dusted her knees off. Vega held a hand out to Kaidan, who didn't bother to stand on ceremony, letting the lieutenant pull him up. "Okay, my scans are complete," she said. "We can take the samples back."

Kaidan hailed Steve Cortez. "Cortez, we're done here. How's the Kodiak looking?"

A short pause later, Steve replied, "pretty good, but I'd like another hour to run some diagnostics just to be safe."

"Understood." He cut the connection and motioned to his teammates that they were heading out. "Liara, you're in charge of testing the samples until Dr. Chakwas gets back," he said. "James, keep your gear on. You and I will head out with the mining team as soon as the Kodiak's ready."

"Roger that."

Kaidan let James and Liara watch for potential threats on their walk back while he dialed up his omni-tool and made a checklist of supplies for the mining venture. Then he reviewed the list of major repairs still needing completion. It got smaller every day. This crew really _was_ the best the Alliance had to offer. Which was perfect, because they were all more than ready to get off this rock and back to the ashes of what they'd left behind.


	2. London 2186

Kaidan hadn't slept in the captain's cabin since becoming the ship's commanding officer. It had been badly damaged in the crash, the bulkheads ripped to shreds. But by now most of the ship's structural damage was repaired and he'd been informed that his private quarters were move in ready. Well. Sort of. Piping still hung precariously from beams and wires snaked across the floor ready to trip him up on one of those days when his healing body locked up on every single movement.

Still, not too shabby for his first command, he thought. The shatter proof glass had lived up to its name, though the fish tank had been drained to conserve water. The armor locker, desk, bed, sofa, and bathroom even appeared completely intact, despite the bathroom door being stuck open. Too bad about the coffee table, though.

Kaidan paused at the top of the steps. A twinge shot quickly from his gut to his toes, disappearing as quickly as it came. Echoes of Shepard were still here. Busted model ships, some of which had fallen to the bottom of the display case. A picture frame with a cracked screen still trying fruitlessly to show whatever images he'd loaded to the memory card. Shepard's leather N7 jacket dangling from the chair behind the desk. His toiletries stacked in the bathroom cabinet.

"Hey, little guy," Kaidan murmured to the space hamster as he picked up the... curiously detailed note left by Samantha Traynor on top of the cage. _Boo eats at 06:00 and 15:00 sharp. NO SNACKS!_ underlined twice. _Only lukewarm water. Change pellets every 48hrs. NO EXCEPTIONS!!_ underlined three times. _Lights out at 21:00. Please use only ambient lighting or else he won't sleep. Exercise AT LEAST 30min/day._ "Really, Shepard?" A tiny smile tugged at the corner of his scarred lips.

He set the note down and leaned over the top of the desk to see the model ships better. He hadn't known that Shepard shared one of his favorite hobbies. Kaidan had built model ships since he was a kid. His father had always brought him one or two after every tour of duty. He'd loved waking up on those mornings to find a box waiting for him on the kitchen table.

Honestly, he never would have guessed Shepard had a soft spot for hamsters and the delicacy of hand to build an intricate model. Kaidan had only served under him for year and a half in total, but his impression had always been one of a man of action and speed. Not one of finesse and patience.

Then again, there had been a lot Kaidan probably missed out on knowing about the man himself because of a single misguided night aboard the SR-1. He couldn't help thinking about what it had cost him after all this time. He'd told Shepard that the crew had been the finest he'd ever served with, which was true. Shepard had promised that nothing would change, which was a lie. Shepard's desire to not show favoritism after that night became nearly a stalling of Kaidan's whole career. But Kaidan wasn't blameless. His embarrassment after their survival; his muddled feelings for Shepard coupled with his discomfort with breaking the regs... he just hadn't known what to do with them. So, he'd kept his mouth shut and done only what he was told.

That was why when the SR-1 was destroyed and her crew scattered, Kaidan threw his usual cautious consideration out the airlock; immediately accepting a promotion as well as command of the 1st Special Operations Biotics Company. He'd loved every second of the freedom to test his limits after so long. For two years he'd mourned the lost crew, worked his ass off, moved on. He'd refused Shepard's offer to rejoin the _Normandy_. Frankly he'd been struck dumb when Shepard had asked. Seeing him in action again as they evacuated Earth hit all the right spots to send Kaidan reeling in uncertainty about his own long-buried, woefully unexplored feelings for the commander. Shepard had been amazing during their brief reunion, but Kaidan wasn't prepared to gamble his entire career just to figure out if he really had a crush worth tossing out his long-held discipline for. He'd toed the line his entire career thanks to his difficulties at BAaT. He'd worked harder than anyone he knew to get himself up and where he was. And his crush on Shepard had nearly been his professional undoing two years before. It simply wasn't worth the risk. Or so he'd thought back then.

But Shepard was nothing if not unpredictable, even in the best of times.

***

EDI approached Kaidan in the CIC just after nightfall with some long-awaited good news. He paused in his efforts to shore up the terminal platform surrounding the galaxy map and poked his head up through the open panel of the floor. "What have you got, EDI?"

"Major, the tests you requested are complete. Analysis shows that the water is fit for consumption. The fruits and plants we collected are also safe, provided they are cooked. There is also sufficient Element Zero to power the _Normandy_ at full capacity for the return trip to the Sol System."

"That's great. Any idea when the repairs will be complete?"

"At current productivity levels, ground repairs should be complete in three days."

Kaidan exhaled through his teeth. "Any chance of being able to cut that time down?"

A brief pause. "Round the clock shifts are already optimized for greatest efficiency."

He wiped his forehead, smearing grease across his brow. "I mean, are there any repairs that can wait until we're airborne?"

She tilted her head and focused on a point in the middle distance. Running the numbers and various scenarios while looking almost like a daydreaming human. "Yes," she answered presently. "I will forward my report to your private terminal of the repairs I believe will not compromise flight performance."

"Good. How much time will that save us?"

"Three work shifts. Approximately twenty-four hours." 

"That's good enough for me," Kaidan answered, heaving himself out of the open floor panel and wiping his hands vigorously on his BDUs. "Thanks, EDI. I'll take a look right now."

"You are most welcome, Major."

Kaidan limped back to his quarters; he more than needed a break. Chakwas had ambushed him an hour ago, demanding that he at least cut back on a few of his duty shifts. He'd refused as gently as possible. Sure, he was the CO and all, but many of his crew were also injured. They all just had to power through until they got back to Earth. It wouldn't be a vacation there, either, but there'd be plenty of jobs easier on his joints until he was fully healed.

He collapsed with a grunt into the desk chair. Shepard's jacket slid to the floor with a quiet rustle. Kaidan hit the power to the private terminal and logged in to read EDI's report. It looked good, as always. He messaged her back to forward the new duty roster to the rest of the crew. He bent back and his fingertips brushed the sleeve of the bunched up leather. He grasped it and dragged it back up, pulling the jacket over his shoulders and breathing deeply. It smelled exactly as he remembered Shepard had years ago when Kaidan had had the luxury of tasting the salt and sweat on his skin at a leisurely pace, breathing into his neck deeply. 

Kaidan's eyes grew heavy with the memories. The next thing he knew, he was waking up to the shrill ring of the alarm clock on the end table with a terrible ache in his neck and the creases from the jacket's sleeve imprinted on his cheek. He swiped at his eyes, rolling his shoulders back and massaging his neck. He staggered to his feet and limped down the stairs to the bed. He flipped the alarm off with a long groan and slid the N7 jacket off of him and onto the bed. As much as he hated to do it, sleeping at the desk necessitated a dose of pain meds if he wanted to avoid another brawl with Karin. The bright orange glow of his omni-tool made him squint. He dialed in a dosage of his prescribed medication and it hissed into his veins. 

A yawn cracked his jaw and he stretched his arms up, and swung them behind him. The yawn made his eyes water as it faded away into a low hum. He stripped himself of his greasy uniform and stepped into the shower, reveling in the hot water even as it stung the stitches on his cheek. He bathed quickly, wanting to set a good example of water rationing for the rest of the crew, even though they now had plenty to last.

Once dressed he made his way slowly to the mess for breakfast. The morning shift crew in the mess line greeted him with wide smiles.

"We got the report," Samantha Traynor said enthusiastically. "We'll be back in the Sol system by the end of the week, won't we?"

"That's right," Kaidan said, grabbing his tray and silverware. "EDI found us some good shortcuts. I'll do what I can to get us there quickly. I know we're all missing Earth. Wanting to know what's going on back there."

"Thank you, Major," Samantha said. "I know it's been crazy since you suddenly had to take command, but if I may say so, you've really done a wonderful job."

Kaidan chuckled. "You sound surprised."

"Oh. Oh! No, of course not... no! I didn't mean-"

Kaidan laughed again. "I'm joking, Traynor. Don't worry about it. I appreciate your assessment." He gathered his tray with a murmured thanks to the line cook and took it with him to the medbay.

"Good morning, Major Alenko," Dr. Chakwas greeted, glancing up. "Have a seat."

Kaidan sunk down onto one of the exam tables and ate the less-than-stellar protein rations. 

"How are you feeling today?" she asked, giving him the once over with a practiced, clinical eye.

He knew it was useless to lie to her. "I've had worse days."

"You'd heal quicker if you ate more," she said pointedly. "Your body is burning calories much faster with your biotic metabolism on top of being injured."

"I know," he answered, "but right now I need to lead by example. It's been tough for the whole crew. I'm not going to make my life easier at the expense of anyone else."

Karin smiled thinly. "I understand, Major. Take care of yourself. You'll be of no use to anyone if you stall your recovery."

"I got it."

Karin glanced out into the mess for a moment. "Why don't you eat with the crew anymore?"

Kaidan rested his fork on the tray, wiping the corner of his mouth with his palm. "No big reason," he answered. "I just like some peace and quiet. The crew tends to have a thousand questions for me about every little thing. Takes me an hour just to have breakfast, and right now my primary concern is getting us out of here as quickly as possible."

"The commander was much the same," Karin mused distractedly as she watched the men and women talking loudly around the mess as if pure desperate volume alone could drown out the loss of the war. "I saw him a lot from this window. He'd wait until everyone else was served and then get his rations as fast as possible. Practically ran over here or down to the docking bay to eat. He really couldn't stand distraction during meals."

"I know what that's like," Kaidan said, picking up his fork again and stuffing the last bit of his breakfast into his mouth, swallowing hard against the offensive mixture. Now finished, he stood. "Thanks for the company, Doctor."

Karin waved him off. "Certainly. I want to see you back after your shift to run some more scans. You appear to be favoring your right leg more than you should."

Kaidan nodded and exited back to the mess, dropped his tray at the line, and went to see what minor miracles he had to pull off in order to get the _Normandy_ back in the air where she belonged.

* * *

48 hours, just as promised. The _Normandy_ took flight like she'd never been grounded at all. Joker crowed with joy as Kaidan and EDI took the readings when they broke through the planet's atmosphere into deep space.

"My baby's _back_!" Joker yelled.

"Readings look good over here," Kaidan said, ignoring him.

"Here as well," EDI agreed. "We should arrive back in the Sol system in three days."

"Good work. Joker, open the comm."

"Aye aye, Major." He flipped a switch and gestured to Kaidan.

He cleared his throat and began, "this is your CO. I want to thank all of you for your struggle and hard work over the last several weeks it's taken us to get this ship in working order. Our course is now set and we will arrive back in the Sol System - back home - in three more days. It's been tough out here for all of us, and each of you could use a break. I'm suspending all non-essential repairs until third shift tomorrow. Take a break. Get some sleep. Relax as much as you can. There's been no news from Earth yet, but we're working on establishing communications as we speak. I don't know what we're going to find when we get there, but whatever it is, we need to be ready to help. So. Thank you for your support. Rest up. You've earned it."

By the time he finished speaking he was sweating under the collar and his mouth was dry. He'd never been good at public speaking even if he couldn't see the audience. He wiped his damp palms on his pants and nodded to EDI and Joker as he left. Rest. They all needed rest before facing the enormity of what they'd left behind.


	3. Shepard

Kaidan wasn't sure what to expect when the _Normandy_ landed in London, but a massive crowd of onlookers gathered in the rubble headed by Admiral Steven Hackett himself was pretty far down that list. Not that he was completely surprised. Their ship had been a constant symbol of the war effort. Kaidan remembered those days when he was at Huerta, tortured by the boredom of bed rest, watching the news vids over and over. Commander Shepard had always been there. The _Normandy_ had always been there. Every sound bite and every report had brought humanity hope. But the commander wasn't here anymore. 

The crew disembarked to the rallying cries of the survivors, Admiral Hackett shaking each and every hand while directing them all to where they should report for their debriefings. Kaidan exited the ship last, limping down the steps with a white-knuckled grip on the railing. At the bottom, Hackett was waiting, hand outstretched. Kaidan took it and they shook firmly.

"Glad to have you back, Major Alenko," Hackett said.

"It's good to _be_ back, Admiral," Kaidan answered honestly.

"I'll take care of your debriefing personally, but first things first. We need to get you checked out at the hospital. I have a shuttle waiting."

Kaidan made to protest, but Hackett was already walking away to where Dr. Chakwas stood by an Alliance shuttle that had clearly seen better days. Once settled inside and on their way, Hackett began to fill them in.

"As you can probably tell just by looking, we've been hard at work down here since the end of the war. It's only been four months, but humanity's making great strides in getting the essentials back up and running. Everyone, even the civilians, are going above and beyond." His voice was filled with pride. Naturally, Kaidan could understand that. Wars made people crave normalcy. They'd all work as hard as they could to rebuild and replace as quickly as possible. And right now the only way for any of them to move on and heal was to clear up the debris of their lives as fast as they could.

"I'm sorry we couldn't open communications sooner," Hackett was saying. "We've been working our way out from Earth slowly, but aside from getting the aliens back to their homes, our priorities have mostly been focused groundside for now."

"What about the colonies?" Kaidan asked.

Hackett hummed a slightly frustrated sound. "Communications are up with the closer colonies, but it's going to be awhile before we can reestablish with the Terminus Systems. We couldn't reach them even if they need help, anyway with the mass relays so damaged. All we can do right now is hope our surviving outposts are giving aid where they can."

Millions of humans stranded without aid from the Alliance or Earth. Arcturus gone. Dozens of outposts gone. Dozens of colonies gone. It made Kaidan sick to think about. It made him hate the Reapers even more, destroyed or not.

"How are the alien races getting back to their home worlds?" Karin asked.

Hackett removed his hat and brushed the sweat from his forehead. "Slowly," he said. "Some have stayed here on Earth, but most have left for now. It's going to take some of them months to get where they're going, but once their planets are stable, then we can get more of the relays repaired. It's going to be a tough road. We've made good strides, though. Lots of politics and bullshitting to elect ambassadors and see to it that our alliances aren't washed up while we're cut off from each other."

"Wish we could have been here to help," Kaidan murmured.

Hackett's gaze on him was sharp, but not unkind. "You're here now. That's what matters. And there's plenty to do now that you're back."

The shuttle bumped and landed. "We're here, Admiral," the pilot called.

"Good. Let's go. Dr. Chakwas, thank you for volunteering here. Major, I need you to follow me."

Hackett matched Kaidan's slow pace as he guided them through sterile white hallways. Probably the cleanest place on the whole damn planet right now. Orderlies and Alliance personnel passed them quickly and in large numbers. At the end of a long corridor, they stop at a heavily guarded door. Two armed marines stood on either side. The one to the right saluted and moved aside so that Hackett could press his thumb to the sensor pad on the wall behind him. The door opened soundlessly to admit them. Kaidan counted the rooms as they passed, unable to look inside any of them. Being stranded had made the war and its aftermath seem far away. Unreal, almost. Empty chairs in the mess and names on the wall didn't even make it real some of the time. But, this... this was real. Too real.

Hackett stopped halfway down the hall. Five doors from the ward's entrance. He gestured and Kaidan stepped hesitantly to the window.

The patient inside was heavily bandaged and asleep. Kaidan's cane clattered to the tiled floor, forgotten. His hands reached out automatically to press against the glass. "Shepard," he whispered.

Hackett came up beside him. "We recovered him two days after he activated the Crucible," he said with deep concern. "He's been in a medically induced coma ever since. He's healed enough physically that the doctors are slowly waking him up now, though. He opened his eyes a few days ago. Said your name and lost consciousness again. Hasn't woken up again."

Kaidan tore his gaze from the room with great difficulty, not understanding why his heart was suddenly in his throat. "My name?"

Hackett squared his shoulders and rocked back on his heels. "Yes. The reports say that you and your company were with his team during the final push to the beam."

"That's correct," he confirmed weakly. "The Commander was the one who called the _Normandy_ back to evacuate Lieutenant Vega and myself when we were injured. He, uh... he told me to take care of the ship while he was gone." Sudden tears burned the back of his throat and he coughed them away.

"Major, I don't know the finer details of your relationship with Commander Shepard, but that man in there is a hero." He pointed to the window. "He saved us all, and as far as I'm concerned, that entitles him to any damn thing he wants."

"I understand, sir," Kaidan replied.

"Then you understand why you're here?"

"Because he asked for me."

What might have been a smile flitted briefly across Hackett's face. "Correct. You're the only thing he's asked for, so he gets you in whatever capacity he needs. He could do with a familiar face, at any rate, and so far you're the only one he knows with enough clearance to access this ward."

It felt like rocks had buried themselves in Kaidan's stomach. It wasn't dread; not really. He didn't hate Shepard by any stretch of the imagination. He just didn't think he'd live up to Hackett's expectations. What exactly were they expecting him to do? He and Shepard hadn't parted on the best of terms after Horizon, though he'd apologized later in an email. He'd never received a response. Granted, Shepard had been more than willing to put it behind them after Mars. The history, though. Hard to wade through that much.

"I'll... I'll do what I can, sir," he said, trying not to let his uncertainty show.

"Major, I'm only asking you to do what you can. I'll do whatever it takes to get the commander back. And while you're here we'll provide you with a specialized PT program. Dr. Chakwas requested it. She doesn't think you should be pushing yourself as hard as you have been, so until you're cleared by the doctors, I've got plenty of desk work for you. I could use some help coordinating the multitude of projects we have going."

"Thank you, sir," Kaidan said, feeling a little bit dumb and a lot out of his element. But he was Alliance all the way. He'd do what he was told even if he wasn't sure that he could deliver what they wanted. It was the least he could do. He wished he could do more.

"Do you need me to find you some living arrangements?" Hackett asked. "Alliance command set up officer's housing not far from here. It's mostly top brass, but you're priority. You could always stay in the barracks if you'd like, but they're packed pretty tight right now."

Kaidan pursed his lips. "Thank you, sir. I'll take anything."

"Good. I'll get back to you in a few hours. For now, I've sent word to the docs that you're here. They'll want to see you ASAP to get you set up with ward access."

"Understood, sir." Kaidan saluted and Hackett returned the gesture.

"Carry on, Major." He turned crisply and made his way out of the ward.

Kaidan turned back to the room to take one last look at the Commander before finding his way to the nurse's station. A human nurse and doctor were waiting when he arrived. 

"Dr. Michel," Kaidan said, surprised. "I didn't know you were here."

"Major Alenko," she greeted with a warm smile. "It's good to see you again. It's been too long. I was asked to come here personally to care for the Commander and help with your physical therapy."

He smiled a little sheepishly. "I should have called. I'm sorry. Nice to have a friendly face around, though. I'll try to be good."

She smiled back and waved her hand dismissively. "We had more pressing matters back then than worrying about missed calls after a few lunch dates. I forgive you."

The nurse handed Dr. Michel a scanner pad and she typed in some information before offering it out to Kaidan. "I'll need your hand print. It will let you access the security console to enter the ward." Kaidan pressed his hand to the pad and it beeped.

"Can you tell me how Commander Shepard is doing? I got the basics from Admiral Hackett, but I probably need to know what's going on before I can do anything to help. In fact, I'm not sure what I should be doing at all."

Dr. Michel gave the pad back to the nurse and gestured for Kaidan to follow her back towards Shepard's room. "The Commander has been responding well to treatments, except that he has been waking up more slowly than he should be. I'm sure that the Admiral told you he asked for you?" Kaidan nodded and she smiled. "We thought it might be easier if he knew you were here. But there's also another reason." They had reached the room, and Dr. Michel pressed her hand to the scanner on the door. It swished open after a moment.

Kaidan looked around at the vast array of equipment spread around the room; the lines and cords snaking their way to the bed under the thin sheets. He wasn't sure where it was safe to stand, but Dr. Michel pulled a chair up to the bed and offered it to Kaidan. He sat slowly, bracing his hand on the chair back as he slid his bad leg out carefully, avoiding any wires. The doctor stood at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed, watching one of the monitors with a professionally blank expression. 

After a moment she spoke again. "Admiral Hackett wants someone trustworthy placed as Shepard's guardian while he's here."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "What, like an emergency contact?"

"Not exactly," she answered, uncrossing her arms and turning her full attention back to Kaidan. "On the one hand, he needs a guard to prevent unauthorized personnel from sneaking in. This ward is secure, but that does not stop the media and his fans from trying to get in. But also, the Commander has no next of kin that we are aware of. So until he wakes up fully and can tell us who he'd like to care for him, the Admiral thought it best to appoint you."

He knew there'd been something Hackett was leaving out. But, why him? They'd served together for only a limited time. They'd worked fine on the SR-1 – better than fine – and even established an impressive rhythm together during those short weeks aboard the SR-2, but surely there had to be a better fit? Someone who knew him longer and he trusted more? But as the thought crept into his head, he swept it away. Shepard trusted him implicitly and more than anyone. He'd said as much when they'd talked at the Citadel after the coup. Shepard hadn't been bitter about Horizon. In fact, he said that no one had ever stood up to him the way Kaidan did, and it had impressed him. Besides, there was no one free enough at the moment to take care of Shepard. And it wasn't as if Kaidan was fit for heavy duty right now, anyway. 

His gaze slid to Shepard's face, distorted by sterile bandages with lesser wounds uncovered where his cybernetics glowed through. This really was a golden opportunity. He cared about Shepard in no small way. The Commander had selflessly given more of himself in mind and body to Kaidan than anyone ever had. Not just that night before Ilos. Shepard had always listened, never judged, had his back, offered him an opportunity aboard the SR-2 that Kaidan felt foolish for declining. He'd spent two years acting childish and avoiding any possible confrontation when he should have told Shepard from the start about his dissatisfaction with his assignments. He could hardly imagine the man holding a grudge. He'd only ever wanted the real truth from Kaidan, and Kaidan hadn't been brave enough to give him the same consideration.

He owed Shepard this. It wasn't much, but it was somewhere to start. Somewhere to rebuild. Or maybe just build.

So he reached out and placed a tentative hand on top of Shepard's bandaged one. "Hey, Commander," he said softly. "Hackett told me you wanted to see me. I'm here... so, don't leave me hanging."

He didn't expect a response, and he didn't get one, but that was fine. It would come. Shepard always came back.


	4. Alenko

Kaidan found his new daily schedule to be comforting, if not a little boring. He wanted more than anything to be out in the field helping the rebuilding effort even as he acknowledged his current limitations. Dr. Chakwas had done her best to patch him up on the _Normandy_ , but once they began rationing their power, his body had been left to heal on its own. And it hadn't exactly done the best job thus far.

He ground his teeth together as the PT nurse bent his leg, stretching it as straight as it could go. Kaidan felt the muscles and tendons straining, almost like they might break.

"Keep breathing, Major," the nurse advised. Kaidan's breath left in a rush and he sucked in a new lungful, feeling a bit lightheaded. "Your flexibility is improving, but your strength isn't. Have you been practicing the exercises I taught you at home?"

Kaidan nodded with a gasp of pain as Nurse Heavyhands bent and extended the leg again. He was lying, of course. He fully owned up to being a terrible patient. When he was home he often laid on his bed spread eagle with an aching body, feeling sorry for himself. 

***

And that was all before the nightmares had started. Pitch black and burning. His throat and lungs swollen and choked with ash. The scream of metal on metal and searing pain colored red behind his closed eyes. He can't see the bodies through the roiling darkness, but he can _feel_ them reaching out for him. Scorched flesh with a rancid smell. He hears them crying and wailing as they die. Begging for their families; their loved ones. He runs as fast as his ruined legs will take him, each step cutting like a hundred knives into his bare feet. It's so dark. He can't make out where he's going or even if he's moving at all. There's a blinding flash in the distance and Harbinger looms over them all. Gray ash sand dunes rushing with rivulets of black blood. Harbinger's eye focuses down, widens, the sound screeching in Kaidan's skull before tearing the skin from his body. Dissolving him into the rest of the gray. 

When Kaidan wakes up he's paralyzed. Sometimes the weak sunlight warms the cold sweat soaking his body, thawing him enough to roll over and fight back the nausea with his knees pulled tightly to his chest. Other times it's the middle of the night and he can't see a thing through the darkness. Those nights are bad. It's so silent outside after curfew that his thundering heartbeat deafens him. His breathing comes in short bursts, making him dizzy. Those nights he is only able to move long enough to hang his head over the side of the bed and be sick into the garbage can. He sweats until he's dehydrated, beads of it sliding down his forehead and over his nose to mix with tears on the way to his mouth, gradually washing away the taste of vomit. He lets the blood rush to his head before attempting to roll back onto the lumpy mattress. He stares up at the ceiling for a long time, waiting for his breathing to return to normal and his stomach to settle. When it does, he always gets out of the bed, cleans up his mess, showers away the sweat and sick, and then pads slowly to the kitchen.

***

The basics had been set up for him in the flat. Utensils, plates and cups, cookware he'd never used except for the coffee maker and a chipped ceramic cup. Once his stomach returned to normal he made coffee. Always. The smell calmed him and grounded him for some reason unknown to him. It wasn't military brew, that much was certain. He made it lighter and drank it black; the first cup quickly, and the second nearly always going unfinished. He set it on the unbalanced metal table in the middle of the kitchen near the right corner by his equally unbalanced chair and out of the way of Shepard's broken model ships spread over the rest of the surface. He had forgotten how much he liked building model ships. The delicate pieces held precariously in his large hands, his eyes squinting to put them back together and make them whole again. It was the only thing that could clear the last of the nightmares out of his head. He focused only on the pieces, how they fit together, how carefully he needed to hold them together while the glue dried. Piece after piece until the weak light of dawn peeked in through the kitchen window and his alarm went off two hours later in the bedroom, signaling another painful day of PT.

***

Back at the hospital, Kaidan pressed his hand to the security pad outside the locked ward and entered to greet the guards who he now knew by name. Three weeks had passed since his new posting. At least his leg was improving. He now only required the use of a cane to walk after his PT sessions for a few hours. Now it was all about strengthening his muscles. He refused to do his PT until after lunch. Firstly because he always skipped breakfast these days, so he had little energy to push himself early. Secondly because he preferred to sit with Shepard before the afternoon sunlight hit the window in his room for a scant couple of hours. The glare made everything look too real. Too grim. Truth be told, no one knew how bad the damage really was. The doctors said that he responded to outside stimuli as well as light and sound, indicating he hadn't completely lost his vision or hearing, but that was the extent of it. 

But still, Kaidan sat in the mornings and after his PT. He waited day in and day out. He listened to the beeping of the machines surrounding them like a cocoon, trying not to get claustrophobic. Reaching out for Shepard's cold hand when he did. Oftentimes he ran his thumb over the dry skin of Shepard's knuckles, head bent down low, fatigue weighing heavily on his shoulders. What was he even doing here? Why was it so important to him? Whenever he chanced to look up at the Commander, all he felt was a mix of gratitude and shame. He should have been there until the end. Should have spoken instead of blaming Shepard for the wedge that got driven between them.

Usually he got up to leave once the guilt sunk him too far, but today he stayed. He vividly recalled their last conversation after he'd been injured on Mars. Shepard had come to visit him regularly to clear the air between them and make things right. They'd avoided talking about that night. Kaidan knew how foolish he'd been to feel so relieved when Admiral Hackett offered him a position. During the rest of the war he hadn't thought about _why_ he'd been so happy to have the new posting. It was only now, sitting here beside Shepard's still form that he'd come to understand it was because he'd wanted to be back on the _Normandy_ more than anything. But not because it was the best ship in the fleet. It was because he wanted to be wherever Shepard went. And when he'd told Shepard that he'd been offered a new position, the Commander had simply held out his hand and congratulated him. Said it had been an honor. That they'd have drinks once the war was over. Nothing in his gaze to indicate any hidden emotions or thoughts. Just Commander Shepard. Wishing his former squad mate luck.

And now here they were. Shepard in critical condition while Kaidan pissed away the hours with his tail between his legs. Thoughts too heavy to think about without bowing his shoulders down to them. But soon time took pity on him and he stood to go to PT for three more grueling, colorless hours. 

Afterwards he went back to Shepard's room, his body throbbing with only a low dose of painkillers to keep the worst at bay. He collapsed into the chair beside the bed and pressed his forehead against the cool sheets. "I finished some of your model ships," he said, voice muffled, though enunciation was hardly a priority with Shepard still asleep. "A turian cruiser and the Citadel. They don't look as good as when you did them, but go easy on me when you see them, all right? I haven't put one together since high school."

He rubbed his itching stubble on the stiff linen. "Not much else to report, really." He turned his head to the side, his eyes level with Shepard's covered knee. "Everyone's tired. It's tough here rebuilding, but they're all making you proud. Hell, most of us are probably working so hard because we've seen how much you've sacrificed. It's amazing, Commander. What you did... it's just... really damn amazing."

The monitors behind him beeped, but he ignored them. He had gotten used to not startling every time they sounded anymore. Slow progression. Small steps leading to bigger ones. Walking _then_ running _then_ leaping. All in that order. Orderly. One thing at a time. That's what all of this was about.

So Kaidan didn't notice immediately when something brushed his hair. He shook his head a little and readjusted. It came again, like a gnat or a fly buzzing almost. He picked his face up from the bed, Shepard's hand falling away as his head came up. "Jesus," Kaidan whispered. "Shepard?" He pounded the nurse's button and grabbed Shepard's hand more tightly than he should have. Held on fiercely, palms damp. 

"Major Alenko?" A voice said from the doorway.

Kaidan couldn't tear his eyes away from the figure on the bed. "He's awake," he said breathlessly. "He touched me. On his own."

Dr. Michel came to the other side of the bed and took Shepard's other hand. Tested his pulse. "Commander Shepard? Can you hear me? Try to open your eyes if you can."

Kaidan felt fingers shift weakly in his palm. "Come on, Commander," he murmured. "You can do this."

Slowly, so slowly, Shepard's eyelids twitched and then unfocused blue eyes opened halfway. 

"That's it, Commander," Dr. Michel encouraged, controlled excitement in her voice. "You're doing well."

Dry, cracked lips moved soundlessly. Dr. Michel tucked her hair behind her ear and leaned in close over Shepard. She nodded once and looked up at Kaidan.

"Get some water," she said. "No ice."

Kaidan jumped up, almost upsetting the chair, and walked swiftly to the bathroom, filling a lidded cup with lukewarm water. His heart pounded in his chest and he had to try twice to secure the lid tightly, his hands were shaking so badly. He returned to the bedside to see that Shepard's eyes were completely open. Dr. Michel shined a penlight in each one, talking to the Commander all the while. "Your pupils are reacting to light so I believe they'll heal. You suffered significant head trauma so it may take awhile before it comes back completely."

Kaidan handed the cup over to the doctor and she braced a gentle hand behind Shepard's neck, guiding him up a little. His face screwed up in pain. "Take it slow," Dr. Michel said soothingly. "Don't swallow the water. Just wash out your mouth and spit. You haven't had solid food for more than a month, so even this will make you sick." Her eyes flicked back to Kaidan. "Hand me that bowl." He passed her a small metal bowl filled with sterile gauze and she dumped it out onto the side table, then held it directly under Shepard's lips. "Spit."

He did so and she put the items down on the table, carefully laying Shepard back down. "Better?"

"Better," Shepard rasped. His voice was no more than a whisper, but it was _his_. Head down, Kaidan didn't notice his tears of relief until one dripped onto his shoe.

"I thought... Alenko," Shepard said. "He here?"

Kaidan sat back down in the chair and took Shepard's hand again, not caring in the slightest that he was trembling. That Shepard could feel it. "Yeah. I'm here, Commander," he answered, his voice sounding little better than Shepard's.

The cracked lips pulled up a little. "You really... came when I... called." His eyes blinked slowly and closed. "Hang around... just tired..." his voice slurred and Kaidan cast his alarmed gaze up to Dr. Michel. She was grinning.

"He's not going to be awake for very long yet," she explained. "He's still mildly sedated. But this is a good sign. Very good. I'll see about taking him fully off sedation and regulating some pain medication instead." She made notes on her datapad as she spoke, pacing back towards the door. She squeezed Kaidan's shoulder. "He's going to be fine now. He probably won't wake up again today, though. You can go. You look extremely tired."

Kaidan nodded but stayed where he was. His legs felt too heavy to support him. Dr. Michel nodded again and left him in peace. For a long time, Kaidan simply watched Shepard's steady, even breathing. It calmed him, made his thoughts fade into nothing at all. He wouldn't leave. Not until he knew that everything really _was_ going to be okay. He owed Shepard at least that much, and really so much more.


	5. Long Road

When Kaidan hobbled his way from the PT room to Shepard's the following afternoon, Dr. Michel was already busy checking over the Commander.

"You're doing fine, Commander Shepard. Your vitals are steady and you're healing well."

"Tell that to my eyes," Shepard rasped. "I can't see crap; just blobs and light."

"Yes, your eyes were damaged by the heat from the blast," she said thoughtfully, "but your cybernetics appear to be functioning properly, so you should regain most of your sight soon enough."

Kaidan cleared his throat and tapped his new cane on the ground, signaling his presence.

Dr. Michel glanced up. "Ah, Major Alenko. You're looking well today."

Kaidan smiled thinly. It was all relative, really. "Yeah."

"Alenko," Shepard said, pleased. He turned his head towards the door, though it was obvious he couldn't make out much by the unfocused glaze in his eyes. "Come in. Maybe you can convince Dr. Michel to stop fussing over me for half a second."

"We both know that's not possible," Kaidan answered, attempting a light tone and mildly surprised that he succeeded. He took a seat in the chair the doctor offered and touched the unbandaged part of Shepard's forearm to let him know where he was.

"Hackett came by earlier and said you'd been assigned to me," Shepard continued in a hoarse, conversational tone. "Sorry to hear it. You must want to be out there helping rebuild. I heard it's pretty bad."

"It's bad," Kaidan confirmed, "but you're a VIP after what you did, Commander. It'd be bad if your recovery stalled because someone wasn't watching out for all the admirers trying to swoop in and get a look at you."

Shepard's dry lips turned up. "Yeah, I don't think I'd enjoy being turned into a sideshow."

"Major Alenko has been wounded pretty seriously as well," Dr. Michel added. "Admiral Hackett thought he wouldn't sit down long enough to recover if he wasn't forced to."

Kaidan chuckled and rolled his eyes. "It was a tough job getting the _Normandy_ back here."

"How long were you out there?" Shepard asked.

"Long enough," Kaidan said gravely. "Since the end of the war. They really were the finest crew in the galaxy. Worked day and night to get us back here."

Shepard nodded. "If anyone had to be the CO, I'm glad it was you. You got everyone home safely." He broke off and winced, his muscles spasmed and his jaw clenched. "Felt that one, doc," he gasped.

She hummed and finished her examination. "I'm sorry, Commander. Your pain medication is wearing off. We have you on a high dose." She typed in her omni-tool. "I can't give you more for another hour, so you'll have to bear it."

"Got it," he ground through clenched teeth. "Damn."

"Try to relax, Commander," Dr. Michel said in a soothing tone. "Major, you can help me with this. We have to loosen his muscles."

Kaidan stood without hesitation and helped the doctor pull the bed sheet up from Shepard's feet to his torso. He did his best not to wince or turn away at the sight of his bare, damaged legs. Long scars ran over large parts of Shepard's thighs and calves. Some were old, some still slightly raw and puckered. His muscles looked rock hard and were getting tighter. Even his toes were curling up.

"What about a muscle relaxant?" Kaidan asked.

Dr. Michel glanced up at him with a sympathetic shake of her head. "He's had that, too. We must do this the old fashioned way. Do as I do, all right? Gentle, firm pressure to start and slowly increase until the muscle releases. Got it?" She showed Kaidan by starting near Shepard's hip, pressing down with the heels of her hands and swiping downwards along the contour of the muscle, using her weight to carry her.

Kaidan nodded and moved his hands over Shepard's right leg. He tried to ignore how parched his throat had suddenly become. The last time he'd touched the commander in this particular spot... he shook his head and firmly turned his mind to the task at hand. Shepard was in tremendous pain, and if there was any way he could help ease it, he would. He watched the doctor closely as she rhythmically massaged the large, taut muscles. Heels and fingers, heels and fingers, harder and harder until he felt the tightness begin to ease.

"Breathe, Commander," Dr. Michel was saying in her same soothing tone. "Deep breaths in and out."

Shepard complied, though his eyes were squeezed shut and his jaw was twitching with tension. Soon, though, their combined efforts had the desired effect and Shepard's white-knuckled grip on the sheets eased up. His pained expression gradually settled. His legs began to loosen.

Finally, Dr. Michel pulled up her omni-tool and ran another scan. "Better," she said. "How are you feeling now, Commander?"

Shepard's eyes cracked open. "Not too bad. Thanks. Fuck, is that going to happen a lot?"

"Every now and then," she answered vaguely. "Your implants are a bit unpredictable considering how much damage they're trying to repair. Once you're able to move around it should improve. Exercise will help. Until then the major and I can help when you need it."

Kaidan sat back down as the doctor fixed the sheets. He clenched his hands in his lap, trying to still the shaking. He could feel the ghost of scars and short, course hair on his palms. What was the matter with him? 

"I need to go on my rounds now," Dr. Michel said after a moment of compiling her test results. "If you have any more muscle spasms, Major Alenko knows what to do. Just do the same thing for any part of the body that needs it, Major. I'll come back with your medication later. Please excuse me."

The door swished shut and Kaidan was left with Shepard and a silence that felt quite oppressive.

"I'm sorry about all this," Shepard said after a moment.

"What? No!" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "No... it's fine. I'm more than happy to..." Happy to what? Touch him all over? Curl forward to hide a slight erection even though Shepard couldn't see it? Think completely inappropriate thoughts about the gravely injured savior of the galaxy? All of those things.

Silence again. Kaidan watched as Shepard closed his eyes, his lips turning down for the briefest of moments. "Did you say something about model ships before?" he asked suddenly, opening his eyes.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his heated neck. "You heard that? Yeah," he said. "I, uh... I have the ships from your cabin. A lot of them broke when we crashed. I've been... putting them back together."

Shepard's grimace turned to a tiny smile. "You like them?"

Kaidan scrubbed at his neck harder, chaffing. "I guess I do, yeah. I used to build them a lot when I was a teenager. Sort of forgot about them until I saw yours. They're nice. Expensive, probably, right?"

"Some of them were," Shepard answered, his dull gaze fixed upwards.

"I figured. Didn't want them to go to waste."

_While you're at it, why not talk about the weather, too?_ Kaidan's inner voice said, making him flinch. _I'm sure you could make it more awkward if you try really hard._ He shifted his weight on the hard metal chair and a stabbing pain shot from his knee to his hip. A small sound escaped him before he could muffle it.

Shepard had heard it. Of course he had. Shepard never missed anything. Even if he was deaf, blind, and mute, he'd still be able to win a war. "How much longer is your PT?" he asked deftly, gracefully skirting the real question. _Are you in pain, too?_

"A couple more weeks," Kaidan answered tightly, rubbing his hip vigorously. "Hackett's been clearing everyone here for active duty personally. Said he doesn't want anyone pushing themselves before they're ready."

"I get that," Shepard said, scooting his shoulders around for a more comfortable position that he probably wouldn't find. "No one wants to be laid up with all the work that's left."

Kaidan hummed an agreement. They all wanted to clear away the remnants of war so that they could get on with pretending it was over. Kaidan felt it would never be over. It would always be there somewhere. In the chronic pain in his knee. In the memorial walls set up all over the galaxy. In his scars and in Shepard's cybernetic implants. In the friendships they'd made _because_ of the fighting. In all the memories they had in spite of it. Gone but not forgotten. Not really over until their time alive in the universe was finally sucked dry.

Kaidan looked up and watched Shepard's eyes drift closed. "Should I go?"

Shepard's hand reached out and clumsily caught his forearm with stiff fingers before Kaidan even had the chance to move. "No. You should stay. It's too quiet otherwise." His words were slightly slurred with that in-between state of sleep challenging wakefulness and winning gradually.

"Okay, Commander," Kaidan agreed softly. "I'll stick around." _It's too dark for me alone, too._

Staring at Shepard made Kaidan drowsy, but he refused to close his eyes. He studied the measured rise and fall of Shepard's chest, the grip on his arm slackening more and more. The full, cracked lips parting slightly to ease his soundless breathing. The slightly twitching of tired, healing limbs. It was still too dark. Too dark for any of them to be alone. 

***

Kaidan woke, disoriented, to the sound of the door opening. He picked his head up from the mattress and shook out the pins and needles in his arm that had been pinned between his chest and the edge of the hospital bed. It took him a moment to refocus. He hadn't dreamed so he didn't fully realize that he was waking up. No nightmares or roiling nausea, which was a relief. He didn't exactly wish to explain _that_ to the nosy doctors.

Shepard was still asleep when Dr. Chakwas entered the room. She nodded to Kaidan as she approached the other side of the bed to perform Shepard's scheduled exam. "How have you been, Major?" she asked quietly as she began her work. "You look tired."

"I could say the same, Dr. Chakwas. I'll bet they've got you running crazy here."

"That they do," she agreed, not without humor. "But I don't mind in the slightest. I'd rather be here patching up the heroes than anywhere else."

"Yeah," Kaidan said, rubbing his eyes. "It's been hard sitting here doing nothing."

"I wouldn't say that at all," Dr. Chakwas admonished. "You and the commander were quite close on the SR-1. He talked about you often when he came to my office. Always asked me how you were holding up on the missions having to use your biotics so frequently. When you left he wondered about you all the time."

Kaidan leaned back in the chair, unsure of how to take that admission. Had it been more of Shepard's needless worry or genuine caring? He shrugged one shoulder. "I guess the commander deserves the special treatment after what he did for all of us," he answered evasively.

"He does," Dr. Chakwas agreed. "I need to change his bandages. Why don't you go get something to eat, or perhaps some coffee? Or, better yet, why not go home and get some real sleep?"

Kaidan lifted up off the chair, his entire body creaking in protest. He groaned. "You're probably right. I'm too old to sleep like this." His joints popped as he braced his hands on his lower back and stretched. "Good night, doc. Take good care of him."

She smiled and nodded. "Of course. Good night, Major."

***

Back at his apartment Kaidan wandered to the bathroom, shedding his clothes along the way. He paused in front of the dusty bathroom mirror. Grabbed a towel and wiped the glass off. The lock on the window must have popped open again. It was hard to keep anything clean with the poor air quality. All housing units had been set up with air filtration systems, but the gray dust still got everywhere. Tracked in on the bottoms of his shoes, worn lightly on his clothes. He could feel the grit in his mouth when he clicked his teeth together. 

He turned on the faucet to the shower and leaned his hands on the sink, staring hard at his reflection while waiting for ancient water heater to kick into gear. _You look like hell, Alenko._ Dark bags weighed his eyes down and stood out harshly against his skin, pale from lack of sunlight and proper nutrition. His body was now littered with scars he never even would have conceived of three years ago. It was amazing that he was still alive. For what that amounted to these days, anyway. He rarely slept, hardly ate; the price he had to pay for the war. His victory. Gray dust and darkness. He pushed off from the sink and stepped into the hot spray of water, watching the dirt spiral down the drain. Some things washed off easier than others.


	6. Close Proximity

It was a bad morning. Kaidan rolled over in the tangled bed sheets, soaked in sweat. He slowly peeled the sheets away, shivering in the cold morning air. His stomach turned, but he held the worst at bay as he curled in on himself, taking slow, cautious breaths. It seemed like the more tired he was, the less his body tried to rebel. Something to be a least a little thankful for, he noted darkly.

At least today was a rest day. No PT or worrying that he had to keep his game face on for the doctors as he endured the relentless chronic pain wearing him down more and more every day. He was tempted to not even go to the hospital, but there were always people worse off than him, and Shepard was one of those people. Some days the only thing that kept him on his feet was his duty to the commander. He refused to fall apart at this stage in the game.

He took one last deep breath before pulling himself out of the bed. His bones creaked, his head spinning wildly for a moment. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Better. He stripped the sheets from the bed and tossed them into the hamper on his way to the bathroom. He switched on the water and let the steam fill the bathroom while he gingerly removed his damp clothes, wincing all the while. The one thing he was thankful for was London's ability to get its water reclamation systems back online quickly. There were precious few luxuries left on Earth, but hot water was one of them. He tipped his head back against the spray, feeling it wash away the sweat and dry tears he didn't even remember shedding. He washed himself slowly, carefully, as if he was afraid to miss a single spot of his nightmare's physical evidence. It was all he could do.

He heard his omni-tool beep and finished the rest of his shower quickly. It was set to priority until the middle of the afternoon, so either one of the hospital staff or one of the Admirals was calling him. He turned off the water and toweled off, wrapping the cloth around his waist and dialing up his omni-tool, voice only. Shepard.

"Hope I didn't wake you," the gravelly voice said by way of a greeting.

"Not at all, Commander," Kaidan answered, trying to keep his tone light. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah," came the answer. "I know it's your day off, but the doctors wanted to start some of my PT." He paused.

"That's great news," Kaidan said, unsure how else to fill the silence.

"Major..." Another long pause that sounded as if it wouldn't be broken willfully.

"Yes?"

"Are you really listed as my guardian?"

"Ah." Kaidan rubbed the back of his heated neck like the movement would take away the creeping embarrassment. "Yeah, that's... I am. When we got back to Earth, Hackett said you didn't have any family, and since I was your last official XO... well, I guess I need to come by and work that out, huh?"

"You should," Shepard answered with a warm tint. "Coming by soon?"

"Getting ready now."

"Great. I'll..." Shepard paused again, though this time Kaidan didn't rush to fill the silence, intrigued by where it might go. "See you soon," Shepard finished in a rush, cutting the call. 

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck again, not sure where to go with this. Normally he'd be pissed that he was nearly thirty-six and feeling so shy. But something about the whole ordeal pleased him. Calmed him. It was big to realize that he was still capable of feeling completely human. He dressed quickly, picking up his discarded Spectre sweats and sniffing them. Huh. He didn't remember washing them, but they smelled clean. Good enough. He pulled on his clothes and grabbed his cane just in case, hoping for rain so that he could walk to the hospital instead of using the crowded rapid transit stations every single day. He hated the push of the crowds and the claustrophobia of the small shuttles. Unfortunately the air quality was still too bad to be out for any lengthy period without a helmet until rain settled the dust for a few days.

The ride to the hospital was blessedly short. Not twenty minutes later he was stepping off the shuttle heaving out his held breath. He made his way through the now-familiar hallways almost without looking to the secure wing. Shepard wasn't awake when he entered the room, likely lulled to dozing by a recent dose of pain medication. Kaidan sat in his usual seat beside the bed and took the liberty of just watching the man he'd come to admire so deeply over the years.

It occurred to him that Shepard had never looked this unguarded before. At least, not in front of Kaidan. They'd slept together in Shepard's cabin that night before Ilos, and even then Kaidan had thought the commander would have woken at the slightest shift in the air, ready for battle in an instant. Kaidan had laid beside him still and hardly daring to shift even in inch in case his suspicions were correct. But here in the hospital with no one left to save, he looked completely different. Scarred and bruised, sure, but also somehow younger. The lines on his face seemed much less prominent without his usual hard scowl. What was he dreaming about, if anything?

Kaidan watched as Shepard's face scrunched slightly and a small sound somewhere between a sigh and a whimper slipped between his lips. Kaidan reached out automatically, taking the scarred hand in his and massaging the palm with both his thumbs. Shepard's face gradually relaxed for a moment.

"Why did I do it?" Kaidan murmured. "I don't even... I just wanted you _so bad_ back then. I wish it could have been anyone, but I've been through too much to lie about that shit anymore. Whatever it is about you... it's never gone away, has it?"

Shepard's face contorted and this time a clear mutter of pain trembled in his throat. Kaidan leapt to his feet, ignoring the sting in his knee. He bent close to Shepard's ear. "Where does it hurt, Shepard?"

He didn't expect an answer and didn't get one, but he hoped that his voice might be soothing on some small level. He pulled back the sheets and grimaced at the sight of Shepard's right leg; muscles pulled painfully taut over tight scars. He started at the hip, massaging firmly just as Dr. Michel had shown him before. He tried not to rush, though his heart thudded behind his ribs and his hands shook every time he slackened the pressure. This was Shepard's victory. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fucking fair. The price of victory should not have been so high for someone like Commander Shepard.

Gradually, the leg muscles relaxed under Kaidan's hands, but he could actually see the pain ripple upwards from Shepard's hip, along his arm, and crawl up his shoulder to his jaw. The teeth grinding was audible. Kaidan chased the spasm as best he could, working on each locked joint on the fingers, forearm, elbows. It was good to have something to focus on, but damned if he wasn't feeling just a little bit helpless right now. 

Shepard's eyes cracked open as Kaidan reached his neck and jaw. He almost pulled his hands away, but the muffled sound Shepard made, eyes dark with pain, kept him at his work. "I'm sorry, Commander," he whispered, more for himself than anyone else. "I'm sorry." He lost track of the time as Shepard lay silent and still, allowing his vulnerability to show in a way that forced Kaidan to swallow convulsively against the knot in his throat. He repeated his apology a dozen times over in his head, afraid to meet Shepard's eyes. Afraid to even open his own mouth to break the tension.

"Jesus," Shepard breathed after several more minutes. Or maybe a lifetime.

"How are you doing now?" Kaidan asked, keeping his gaze firmly on his hands.

"Better. Have you done this before, Kaidan? Feels amazing." His eyes closed and he relaxed under the massage.

The combined one-two punch of his first name and honest praise coming from Shepard's mouth sent a jolt straight to Kaidan's gut. Shepard hadn't used his given name since they'd said goodbye after that fiasco of a mission on Mars. 

"No," he answered slowly, reaching up further to work his fingers over Shepard's scalp before his confidence dwindled. Shepard's hair had been much shorter then. Kaidan couldn't decide whether he liked the old buzz cut better or the short crop of sandy hair tinged slightly with gray that he wore now. "You need a shave," he said idly. 

Shepard's sudden laugh crackled more than it used to. "That bad, huh? Glad I still can't see well enough to really assess the damage."

"It's not so bad," Kaidan answered, a little bit intoxicated by the feeling of soft hair through his fingers. He pulled his hands away reluctantly, folded them in his lap as he resumed his seat. "You look like the savior of the galaxy."

"So... pretty fucked, then?"

It was Kaidan's turn for a rusty laugh. "No way. Half the galaxy's gonna be throwing themselves at your feet when you get out of here."

"I'm counting on it," Shepard said flippantly.

The door swished open and Dr. Chakwas greeted them both. "Ready to get yourself on the road to recovery, Commander?" she asked.

"Hell, yes," Shepard said, shifting around in the bed as if he really _was_ starting to go stir crazy. Leave it to him to want up not forty-eight hours after being weaned fully off of sedation.

"Don't get too excited just yet," Karin warned, reading Shepard as well as anyone could. "You'll still be confined to your bed for some time yet, but you're ready for some basic exercises. Before that, though..." she paused and typed rapidly on her datapad. "You're going to need a caregiver once you're released from the hospital until you're back on your feet. Normally I'd suggest a nurse, but we haven't any to spare, I'm afraid. Is there anyone you trust enough?"

Shepard was silent for a long time. It seemed like he wouldn't answer, but when he did his voice was firm, if not slightly unsure. "I'd like Kaidan to help. If that's okay?" He didn't move his gaze from the ceiling to direct the question at either of them, but Karin glanced at Kaidan who stared at Shepard.

His heart beat a mile a minute. Shepard wanted him? His help? He swallowed. Cleared his throat. Swallowed again. Not that he didn't want to help, but that sort of intimacy? Having to know every little thing about what was going on? Being trusted enough that Shepard was willing to remain completely vulnerable in his presence? It was big. Bigger than taking a bullet for someone big. "Sure. Yeah," he heard himself saying. "But why?"

"Because I trust you more than anyone. You were my XO. My friend. You'd do it right, no bullshitting," came the immediate answer.

No arguing with that. He still had Shepard's trust after all this time. After all the curve balls life and war and circumstances had thrown at them. And maybe, just maybe, it's what they both needed. A shared victory. "Sign me up, Dr. Chakwas. I'll do whatever I can."

She seemed pleased enough and tapped away on her datapad for another minute. "Wonderful. However, this doesn't give you a free pass to ignore your own recovery," she reminded Kaidan with a stern look. He nodded and she looked satisfied. "Very well. Commander, your cybernetics are doing well keeping your muscles flexible, but we do need to rebuild your strength. Let's start slow."

Over the next hour she showed Kaidan how to help Shepard through basic arm and leg strengthening exercises, most of which he was already familiar with from his own grueling PT. He felt empathetic pains as he watched Shepard's jaw clench in tightly controlled discomfort and frustration as he willed his body to move the way he wanted it to. Despite knowing personally how much pain the exercises caused Shepard, Kaidan still felt encouraged. Purposeful like he hadn't been since returning to Earth. In their own way they were finally starting to rebuild. It meant something, Shepard's blunt nails digging into his arm saying more than the man ever would with words. The sweat forming on both their foreheads. The shared but separate shots of pain marking both their progress and their distance left to travel. 

In the end, Shepard made a valiant first effort; nothing else could possibly have been the case. Kaidan sank into his chair beside the bed, speaking words of endless encouragement as Dr. Chakwas dosed Shepard with his hard-earned pain medication and the savior of the galaxy dozed off gripping Kaidan's hand tightly.


	7. Ashes

Over the next two weeks, Shepard progressed quicker than most. Guided by his cybernetics, by the time he was ready for release from the hospital, he was able to lift light hand weights, stand on his own, shuffle short distances, and eat almost normally. His eyes still fatigued early and his vision had yet to recover enough for him to move around confidently unassisted without glasses, but even he took that much in stride, for all of his impatience to be out of a hospital bed.

Kaidan often found himself leaning in closer to the commander than strictly necessary so that he could be seen clearly. He didn't stop their hands from brushing almost-accidentally sometimes or his smile when Shepard hit another milestone. But mostly, they talked. Talked for distraction from the pain, the setbacks, the awkward silence that always fell when neither of their minds were focused elsewhere. Kaidan told Shepard all about the rebuilding efforts around the world, and sometimes the galaxy when there was news. Shepard told Kaidan about how the _Normandy_ had been without him. The stories didn't sting as much as Kaidan thought they would. In fact, they just made him brush his fingers over Shepard's spine before bracing his lower back as he fought to walk with the balance bars. Made his gaze linger longer than needed as he helped Shepard redevelop his fine motor skills. Made him laugh just slightly deeper at the bad jokes and lame puns returning to the commander's old repertoire as his mood improved.

Finally, after fourteen days of measured movements and curses of failure, Shepard finally crowed with triumph after returning to his room from walking the entire length of the secure ward with only the use of a cane and Kaidan close by his side.

After that display, Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel had no choice but to agree that Shepard would be best served finishing his recovery outside the hospital with checkups every other day. Shepard's grin at the news could have burst off of his face.

On his final exam before being signed out, Dr. Chakwas said, "well, Commander, you're as fit as can be expected. But you still need to take it easy. I know you well enough to realize you'll want to get your hands dirty as soon as I let you out, but you're on house arrest until I say so."

Even that didn't dampen Shepard's enthusiasm. "Always the taskmaster. I get it, Doc. Trust me. I've been in a bed long enough. The last thing I want is to be thrown back in one."

"Good. I'll hold you to that. Major Alenko, have you requisitioned the supplies I asked for?"

"Yes," he said, a bit exhausted. "Everything's in order." He held out a plain bag to Shepard. "Your escape clothes, Commander," he continued with a smile. "Also, something I found on the _Normandy_."

Shepard opened the bag and removed his old N7 sweats and leather jacket. "This old thing survived," he said fondly, fingering the worn garment. "Thanks, Kaidan."

"Any time."

Dr. Chakwas finished her notes and reviewed everything, finally nodding in approval. "All right, then. You're set, Commander. Take good care of him, Major."

"Will do," Kaidan said. 

As soon as the door shut, Shepard tossed his cane and clothing on the bed. "A little help here? I want out before she changes her mind."

Kaidan chuckled and stepped behind Shepard, waiting for him to begin their well-practiced dressing routine. Shepard lifted the thin hospital shirt to chest level before his joints locked, Kaidan pulling it the rest of the way. He slid his palms under the cotton and gently removed the shirt, not embarrassed in the slightest anymore to enjoy the feel of scars and warm skin under his hands. But this time instead of holding still, he felt Shepard tremble slightly, just a brief twitch of muscles in his back, and goosebumps rose on his skin. 

"Cold?" Kaidan asked curiously.

"No," Shepard answered too quickly.

Despite the assurance, Kaidan hastily retrieved Shepard's new shirt and pulled it over his head and shoulders, dropping his hands to let the commander finish the rest. Then Shepard unknotted the tie to the hospital pants and pushed them down to his knees, Kaidan bending to slide them down the rest of the way. Again, the tiny shiver ran over Shepard's body. Shepard appeared inclined to ignore it, so Kaidan gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"Turn," he said.

Shepard obeyed and braced his hands on Kaidan's shoulders as he lifted one leg and then the other to put his N7 sweats on. Kaidan tugged them up to Shepard's knees, but the other man made no movement to finish the job as he normally did. Kaidan raised his eyes slowly to find cerulean ones watching him intently, the expression unreadable. He pushed himself to his feet and brought the sweats up with him, thumbs hooked inside the waistband and his knuckles tracing up Shepard's thighs to hipbone, never quite able to look away from the sea of blue he suddenly found himself trapped in. He slipped his thumbs out and drew back. Shepard caught his right hand and opened his mouth to say something, but Kaidan didn't want him to. Not for anything. Instead he stood closer to Shepard than was wise and said, "it's cold today. Get your jacket and I'll put your shoes on."

Shepard sat on the bed silently, working the soft leather over his shoulders carefully as Kaidan took his seat on the chair and bent forward to retrieve the hard soled boots. He unlaced them and yanked at the collar to help work out some of the stiffness. He daydreamed about kissing Shepard as he took the man's heel in hand and slid the boots on over his thick socks. Thought about touching his rough skin without pretense. It made a muscle in his cheek twitch. When he finished lacing the boots he stood and handed Shepard his cane wordlessly. Kaidan only needed his own when the cold of the coming winter seeped into his bones. He was much more steady these days.

Routine complete, Kaidan found himself holding his breath. They'd never been anywhere together save for the single strip of hallway he now knew better than the back of his hand. He had memorized every single crack in the tiles while keeping a sharp eye on Shepard's feet while he strengthened himself with countless walks up and down the bland interior. But now they exited the building, Shepard coughing at the sudden assault of cool, unfiltered air into his lungs. Kaidan guided him along the stairs to a private transport car waiting to take them to the apartment. The pilot saluted smartly. Kaidan returned the motion while Shepard favored forgoing the formality and offering his hand to shake instead.

Once inside the car, Shepard turned his attention to the ruins around them as they passed. "Looks better than I expected," he said thoughtfully.

"It's getting there," Kaidan agreed vaguely. 

"Amazing there's so many places left standing that are decent enough to live in."

"They completed another barracks and a couple shelters a few days ago. Everyone's been packed in pretty tight."

"Huh." Shepard rested his chin on his fist, his eyes looking at something a million miles away from where they were. Kaidan let him drift, not exactly wanting to know where his thoughts had gone. 

The ride ended faster than even the shuttle ride, and they were dropped directly in front of the unimpressive apartment building. Kaidan exited the vehicle first, scanning the area for any reporter or fan ambushes. Thankfully, no one had tipped off the media that Commander Shepard was being released from the hospital today. The reprieve wouldn't last long, though. He turned back and watched from a carefully calculated distance designed to not appear like he was hovering as Shepard steadied his cane on the ground and hoisted himself out of the car. 

"We're on the second floor," Kaidan said while the commander took a moment to get his feet under him.

He coughed again. "Right." He glanced up at the building, squinting. "I still can't see all that clearly, but are you sure this place is livable?"

Kaidan laughed shortly. "Only the best for Alliance brass. Doesn't look like much, but it'll hold. The inside's better."

They took the stairs at a crawling pace, the tap of Shepard's cane echoing off the makeshift metal stairs and bouncing off the stone walls. On the second floor they made their way three doors down and Kaidan keyed in the door's entry code. The lock clicked and he said wryly, "welcome home, Commander." The door swung open and he let Shepard inside first, trailing behind to remove his dusty shoes in the entryway.

"Nice place," Shepard commented, taking in his surroundings like he'd just landed on an alien planet. "Clean."

"You sound surprised."

"With you? No." He grinned, a lopsided expression.

"Your room's here at the front. I requisitioned all the essentials Dr. Chakwas asked me to, but let me know if there's anything I forgot."

Shepard shuffled into the first door to his right and immediately let out a cry of surprise. Kaidan smiled to himself. "Boo! What's up, little guy? Did you miss me? Christ, you got fat."

Kaidan stopped in the doorway and leaned his shoulder against the frame. "Specialist Traynor had him on a strict diet, but I didn't have the heart to enforce it much."

Shepard gingerly took the wriggling hamster out of his cage, eyes sparkling with rare affection. "Have a soft spot for animals, huh?" He stroked Boo's tiny head. "That's all right, little man. You deserve to be fat and lazy after all you've been through." He turned his disarming smile on Kaidan. "Thanks for looking out for him. I know it's stupid, but Boo's practically family. He knows more of my secrets than anyone else."

Kaidan held up his hands. "I get it," he said, infected by Shepard's doting mood. "Pets are important. Anyway, take your time getting settled in. I'll make us something to eat."

"Save my hamster _and_ make me dinner? Spoil me like this and I might never leave."

"Didn't say I wanted you to," Kaidan said over his shoulder, emboldened by the good atmosphere, but not brave enough to linger. He went to the kitchen and cleared the table of the remaining model ships he was still repairing and set them on the coffee table in the small living room. He hadn't had the time to pick up their food rations for the week yet, but there was some freeze dried curry in the cabinet and instant rice. Not a spectacular feast, but better than most of the alternatives. He set two pots of water to boil and pulled down the bowls and silverware before moving into the living room. 

Shepard was already there, sitting on the sofa, leaning forward to study his model ships, wearing glasses. Kaidan swallowed hard as he watched Shepard absently push the frames up the bridge of his nose and then swipe his hair off of his forehead. _I'm nearly thirty-six and still discovering I have fetishes,_ Kaidan thought foolishly.

"This is some great repair work," Shepard said distractedly. "The ones you've put back in my room look like they were never broken."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Yeah," he said hoarsely. "I've probably built a hundred of those back in the day."

Shepard barked a laugh. "I remember you telling me back on the SR-1. Seemed like an interesting pastime so I picked it up not long after you mentioned it."

Kaidan's heart thudded painfully behind his ribs. Could this get any more surreal? Probably, but he hoped not. "Dinner'll be ready in a few minutes," he muttered, retreating back to the kitchen to catch his breath. He focused intently on finishing the food preparations, dismayed to discover that the torch he'd carried and attempted to ignore for all these years was still burning pretty fucking brightly. Shepard trusted him to be professional. To have his back. And besides, even if Kaidan was found out, Shepard had that... thing with Liara. Whatever had happened after Shepard was exposed to the beacons. Kaidan had always been too self-conscious to ask if there was something between them after he left the _Normandy_. It hadn't been his place after what he'd done, but _she'd_ never abandoned the commander. _She'd_ never questioned his time with Cerberus. _She_ hadn't walked out after one night and then lost hope in a bottle of whiskey after Shepard had been spaced. Liara had always been strong enough to believe. He'd only caught a glimpse of their relationship during his brief time on the SR-2, but even Kaidan could see there was something profound there. Where was she, anyway? She'd disappeared after their return to Earth. Kaidan had tried to contact her, but hadn't heard a single word. Shepard hadn't asked about her, either, and Kaidan figured it best not to pry. It was none of his damn business anymore. That ship had sailed three years ago.

He cleared his throat again, determined to shake off the melancholy. "Food's ready," he called. He heard Shepard grunt as he extracted himself from the sofa and entered the kitchen. 

"Smells pretty good. Rations must be improving."

Kaidan filled their bowls with rice and curry and set them on the table. "The Alliance opened the emergency civilian rations to everyone," he said, sitting heavily as his knee protested. "We get a mix of military crap and this stuff, but an almost-home cooked meal every now and then sure does a lot for morale."

"Damn right," Shepard said, spooning large portions of curry into his mouth like he hadn't been eating out of a tube just weeks ago. "I could get used to this."

"I'm sure they'd pull some strings if you asked," Kaidan said facetiously. Shepard would never use his fame to bend the rules at the expense of the people he'd saved. 

"Yeah," Shepard answered, "but this is good enough for now. It really fucking is."


	8. Memories

The first few days went well for their arrangement. Shepard seemed in perfect spirits and didn't try in any way to rush his recovery. Kaidan found himself too busy with his household tasks and seeing to Shepard's PT that he fell into bed every night too exhausted to be plagued by his old nightmares.

Shepard's progress continued to impress them both, though he still lacked the full range of motion necessary to perform certain tasks like dressing himself completely or shaving. He tried, naturally, but his effort paid off with him sitting at the kitchen table while Kaidan leaned in close to apply their precious ration of medi-gel to the fresh razor cuts on his chin and cheeks.

"I could have helped you with this, you know," Kaidan pointed out in a soft voice as he carefully dabbed the sticky ointment onto Shepard's face. They were far enough past the adjustment phase that Kaidan felt no shame in admonishing Shepard for pushing himself too far too fast.

"Never know if I don't at least try," Shepard muttered, trying not to move his mouth too much while Kaidan worked.

Kaidan had noticed that Shepard was trying a lot more than usual on his own lately. He balked at being touched sometimes and pulled away more quickly. Kaidan wanted to think that it was the natural progression of his recovery, but somewhere in the back of his mind he admitted that Shepard might have discovered his ulterior motive. But he wasn't going to touch that thought with a ten foot pole unless the commander wanted to. He dabbed the rest of the gel on and nodded in satisfaction. Then he raised his eyes to meet Shepard's and froze. He couldn't exactly tell what the expression was, but didn't need to when Shepard raised his hand slowly and lightly touched the gray at Kaidan's temple without breaking eye contact.

"Have you heard from Liara?" Kaidan asked suddenly, breathlessly.

Shepard dropped his hand. "No?" He looked confused. "Should I have?" Something about his expression made Kaidan unable to look away. It confounded him. Irritated him. Gave him hope.

"Well, I thought... hey, weren't you two together?"

"What?"

"You seemed close. On the SR-2, I mean. There were rumors going around the lower decks." He would have given all his credits to have someone - anyone - remove his foot from his mouth for him since he seemed so disinclined to do it on his own.

Shepard leaned back in the chair, his face clearing of confusion. "Were there? Jesus, no. I mean, Liara's the best friend I've ever had, but romantically? I wasn't interested."

"Bigger things to worry about," Kaidan supplied, attempting to salvage his dignity.

"Something like that," Shepard answered, fixing him with a sharp look.

Kaidan wiped the remaining medi-gel on his jeans and stood. Shepard removed his glasses and stood with him. Kaidan turned away but stopped when he felt hands on his hips, right at the waistband of his jeans. He didn't dare turn around. Callused fingers slipped just under the hem of his hoodie, brushing against his sides and sliding deftly across his stomach, splaying out over his abs. Kaidan shut his eyes tightly as a jolt rocketed straight to his groin. He wanted to ask what Shepard thought he was doing. Wanted to say something flirty and maybe a little vague to keep his feelings at bay. But, he felt warm breath on the back of his neck, sending a chill down his entire body, and Shepard murmured, "Kaidan," right against the shell of his ear, and he'd had enough. He spun back around, heart pounding and breath hitched as Shepard surged forward and kissed him with all the bruising intensity he remembered from their first, and only, night together.

As with everything else, Shepard was direct and honest with his affections. He lacked the nuances of a creative lover, but his touch was open and sure. Even in an intimate capacity, it was impossible to misread Shepard. Everyone always knew where they stood with him. It was Kaidan who had made it into something he'd never intended. Sure, Shepard was clumsy in some ways and often lacked tact, but he was genuine. Forgiving. Unafraid.

Kaidan wished he could be that way. He hated over processing things. Hated thinking that he had probably sabotaged the greatest thing he'd ever tried to have. Ever since BAaT his personality had been an endless stream of self-control. He'd terrified himself that night before Ilos. Been terrified of Shepard, who had accepted him without question. Wanted him for no other reason than because it felt right. And then they'd survived and it _kept_ feeling right. Then Kaidan had felt himself falling in love. Had thought it meant he'd have something to lose. Had thought he didn't _want_ to have something to lose.

He should have laughed at himself. He was trembling and horny and knew that he shouldn't be feeling as young as he did right then because Shepard had touched the gray hair at his temples. He opened his mouth against Shepard's, invading expertly with his tongue, answering that damn stupid question from three years ago. In response, Shepard shifted his weight on his feet, bumping their hips together with a sigh of longing as his warm fingers pressed into the dip of Kaidan's spine. Three years felt like such an eternity when Shepard cupped the back of Kaidan's head and gently tipped it to the side so that he could trail his impossibly soft lips in a path across rough stubble to nip his earlobe. Kaidan's back arched and he fisted his hands into Shepard's hoodie, right over his ribs to hold himself up. Hold them both up. Those lips were on his throat, over his Adam's apple as he swallowed convulsively, up his chin and finally back to his mouth, where they stayed to draw him down deeper and deeper.

Not until they pulled apart did Kaidan fully realize what had just happened. He took in Shepard's face; his swollen lips, half-lidded eyes and distant, wavering expression and his heart lurched. Shepard was taking in deep, steadying breaths and his fingers, now tangled in Kaidan's hair, shook. They stared at each other for a long time.

Shepard spoke first, and when he did, his voice was slightly irritated, a clashing note to what they'd just done. "That's how it was three years ago. That's how it should have stayed."

Kaidan released his hold on Shepard's hoodie and flexed his hands. He had nothing to say.

Shepard dropped his chin down with a wry smile. "Right. I thought so." He shuffled back to his room and shut the door behind him.

[ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/jupiter143/11112205343/)

***

Hours later Kaidan lay sprawled on his bed staring out the dark window. So Shepard really had been thinking about that night just as much. Probably more so. At first, Kaidan had attempted anger at the revelation. Why in the hell hadn't he said anything before? He hardly had to wait long for the answer. Because Shepard was so fucking respectful of his crew. So mindful of their needs. And when Kaidan had decided on his own to shut Shepard down, he'd taken it without question. Kaidan was the one who failed to try again. Shepard had offered him a new start on the SR-2 for no other reason than they worked so well together and Kaidan had thrown it back in his face. What a fucking mess. He should have thought about it from Shepard's perspective for even just a second. But he hadn't. And when he'd finally taken the time to work it out, Shepard's door was shut and no light leaked out underneath. Too late for that night, but hopefully, _hopefully_ not too late forever.

***

The gray ash was choking his throat again. He reached his mangled hand out to someone, but there were no faces. Only voices screaming and crying. He'd save them all if he could, but they didn't want it. They couldn't find him. They ran straight to the beam and disintegrated into the ash that burned Kaidan's eyes and clogged his lungs. He couldn't breathe. The air and the ash. He needed to breath but he couldn't. 

His eyes flew open as he cried out. But this wasn't normal. The dream hadn't finished. He could still see the end etched into the darkness as it played superimposed over the cracked ceiling above his bed.

"Kaidan!" Firm hands pinned his shoulders down, grounding him and terrifying him. He yelled and pushed back hard until his shoulder popped.

"Kaidan, stop! Calm down. You're awake."

"No," he moaned feeling the bile rise in his the back of his throat. "Jesus... fuck... no. Get me out of here!" His hands flew out and struck something solid. He heard a short grunt and then heavy warmth on his chest. A soothing, low voice followed.

"Breathe, Kaidan. Hey. I'm here. Just breathe. It's just you and me." 

Shepard? He felt a hand on his face, turning his head slowly away from the darkness. Blue eyes. Impossibly blue eyes. "Listen to me, Kaidan. I want you to breathe with me. Slow and easy. It'll pass. Just feel me here." He lifted Kaidan's hand and placed it directly over his sternum, breathing deeply and evenly.

Kaidan struggled to do as he was told. His first breaths shuddered in his chest, making him gag, but Shepard's hand just tightened on his cheek, guiding him back. He should have felt ashamed, but somewhere in his cluttered mind he knew that no matter what he'd done in past, Shepard would never leave his men behind. Kaidan included. He squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the burning, but Shepard kept talking.

"Open your eyes, Kaidan. Look at me."

He did and the tears followed. Shepard's gaze held steady and calm. 

"Shepard," he mouthed, not sure if any sound actually came out. He couldn't hear his own voice over the ringing in his ears.

"It's fine, just hold on. It'll pass. I'm here." He kept repeating the simple sentences like a mantra. And Kaidan listened. Grabbed on to it. Fought to get back to it. Gradually, his panic faded. The nausea subsided. He shifted on the bed and felt the cold clap of air against his sweat-stained shirt.

"Shepard," he said again.

"What do you need?"

He closed his eyes. Swallowed several times to get his mouth working properly. Opened his eyes again. "Air."

Shepard slid from the bed and stood with a grimace. He held out his hand and Kaidan took it. They helped each other stand properly and Kaidan wobbled to the kitchen door, exiting the back of the apartment to the balcony. Shepard stood beside him, shivering briefly in the chill. The listened to the quiet evening for a handful of minutes.

"Do you remember what happened up there on the Citadel?" Kaidan asked suddenly.

"Yeah, I do. Every second of it, in fact. I think I dreamed a lot about it while they were waking me up."

"Huh. And it doesn't give you nightmares at all?"

"No."

Kaidan shook his head in amazement. "Why not?"

Shepard stared straight ahead for a long moment, taking the in the sights he could make out. "Because I'm proud of it," he said confidently.

Kaidan didn't answer. He simply turned to look where Shepard was looking. Tried to see what he was seeing. But he couldn't. He didn't have that kind of resolve.

"Kaidan, I'm not happy that so many people died before we were able to win this war. I memorized all of the names on the _Normandy's_ memorial wall. I put the plaques up there personally." He shoved his hands into his pockets and stood straighter. "I hate what I had to do and what I had to see. But I'm not the only one, right? Every being living today was touched by what we did. We lost lives, but we saved more. We did the right thing. I'm not ashamed of what the job called me to do."

"Yeah," he said softly.

Shepard shifted sideways and leaned against the metal railing. "You need help, Kaidan."

He dipped his head down. "I know."

Shepard turned back to face the skyline. "Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"That's fine," he said firmly. "I'm here. I'll help, if I can. You deserve to share this victory, too."

Kaidan smiled a little. "Aye, aye, Commander."


	9. War Hero

"Today has been a long time in coming," Steven Hackett addressed the gathered crowd of Alliance heroes and dignitaries. Cameras flashed around them and unmanned vid drones swarmed the crowds recording for broadcast all over the galaxy. Rear Admiral Kaidan Alenko and Major John Shepard stood shoulder to shoulder, sweating under their Alliance formals with dozens of other soldiers being honored for their part in the Reaper War.

"We are here to honor those who have fallen and those who have stood tall against the greatest threat our galaxy has ever seen. Today marks the one year anniversary of the end of the Reaper War. The scars remain on hundreds of planets and colonies. Some may never fully recover. But even so, we can all stand here today and be proud of what we won. No life was lost in vain. No battle was fought in vain. Today we may mourn as united races against what was taken from all of us, but we must never forget what we gained. Freedom. Progress. Friendship. Unity. A year ago we learned that organic races cannot be beaten if we stand together. And together we indeed stood. I am honored to have fought with, and for, all of you. I am proud to see what we have accomplished in the aftermath. And while the people who stand here on this stage beside me today represent the best and the brightest of the war, they did not accomplish what they did alone. The medals and awards that they receive here are not for them alone. They are for everyone who lifted them up and stood beside them and had their backs no matter the odds.

"So, while all of you remember the fallen and the lost today, do not forget the living. Take time to look around you and see what we have gained. Celebrate what we have won. We are united."

A roar washed through the crowd. Kaidan looked out over the thousands of faces and smiled to himself. It was easy over the past year to sit back and count the failures and the hardships. Sometimes easier than remembering where they had arrived. But days like today made him believe that the time they lived in was far from the bitter ending he'd envisioned a year ago.

Shepard bumped their shoulders together surreptitiously and Kaidan raised his head, pulled back his shoulders.

Hackett called them each to the podium to receive their Medals of Honor. Stars of Terra. Accolades and promotions. It went on and on, but Kaidan never felt the fatigue of tedium that he normally had with political banner waving ceremonies. Today he simply felt grateful.

***

Shepard spent no time stripping off his formal wear the second he and Kaidan stepped through the door of their Vancouver apartment.

"Fuck this heat," he groused, rubbing the back of his hand over his forehead and collapsing onto the sofa with a loud huff. "Why is it so hot here?"

"The air's still bad," Kaidan answered, even though he knew the question was rhetorical.

"Beer," Shepard moaned.

"You don't even like Earth beer. It's such a waste on you," Kaidan called, digging two out of the fridge anyway. He unscrewed the caps and handed one off to Shepard, who drank deeply. Kaidan placed his on the coffee table.

"Don't care," Shepard said around a mouthful of the fine, Canadian brew. "It's cold."

"Then drink water. You've sure started acting spoiled in your old age."

Shepard grabbed the front of Kaidan's unbuttoned jacket in a flash, pulling the older man onto his lap. "I give as good as I get," he grinned, kissing Kaidan thoroughly with unbridled enthusiasm.

But Kaidan was right. Over the last several months, both he and Shepard had both changed. Kaidan was getting the help he needed, and the benefits were showing. Fewer nightmares, sure, but also a peace he hadn't known since before he'd even attended BAaT. In answer, Shepard had become increasingly demonstrative. Filling in the loss of steadying touches they'd shared through his recovery with more intimate things. He kissed Kaidan all the time as if they were teenagers on a high of new love. His hands found every excuse to reach out and brush against him when in range. And sometimes, just like this, his hands and mouth worked together to remind Kaidan of just how damn lucky he was. 

They were happy. Battered soldiers and war heroes. Far from rest and even further from their ideal endpoint. But, at least for Kaidan, that only made him happier.

Shepard broke the kiss and rested his chin on Kaidan's collarbone. "Your mom called," he said.

Kaidan laughed. "Way to break the mood."

Shepard snorted and buried his face in Kaidan's chest, inhaling his scent deeply. "Said you promised to fix her roof, but apparently now that you have your own command you're too good for family business?"

"Jesus, really? She sure can lay it on thick."

"I like her."

"You like everyone who gives me a hard time."

"I love you."

Kaidan bent down for another kiss to mask his embarrassment. It was sudden, and perfect, and so very, very Shepard. He cleared his throat. "I already heard about the party for the old crew. You don't have to butter me up to agree to it."

"I love you, Kaidan."

He smiled and his heart jumped. "I love you, too."

And that was it. His victory.


End file.
